No longer horsing around

Dear Agony Ant, It’s week three of my pregnancy and I feel fat, bloated and depressed. My partner has lost interest and just comes to visit every morning, dances, then leaves and goes about her carefree day. Meanwhile, I am stuck here, pondering what my life has become. I miss the days of flirting shamelessly…

Bitten off more than I can chew

Dear Agony Ant, I think I have a binge eating problem. A few days ago, I fought a crocodile, and won! In the heat of the moment, I took a little bite and before I knew it, it was gone, and I was a giant crocodile shaped blob. In the sobering light of day, I…

Octopuzzled

Dear Agony Ant, As a mimic octopus, I’ve come to excel at mimicking other species, which has gotten me out of many a bind. I love exploring the shapes, sizes and colours and lose myself a little in the disguise. The only problem is as I increasingly spend time mimicking these other creatures, I am…

Tired of the lion

Dear Agony Ant Recently I’ve been seeing the new lion in our pride and it was love at first sight. I feel we connect on every level, physically, mentally. There is only one cause of strain in our relationship, being that he killed my son when he first arrived in the pride.  He has since…

Koal-mydia

Dear agony ant, I’ve just been tested for STI’s and have found out that I have chlamydia. I’m slightly shocked as I’ve been a one man koala for some time now and it raises serious questions as to my partner’s fidelity. While koalas are not usually monogamous, it is something we decided to try out….

Cane toads are people too

Dear agony ant, On a recent trip to north-west Australia, I was shocked to hear of the anti-cane toad sentiment in that part of the world. Not only did I see negative paraphernalia littering the streets, but I also witnessed a man bludgeoning a fellow toad to death with a cricket bat! We have lived…

52 hurts

Dear agony ant, As the only 52 Hertz-er, my songs are unintelligible to all other blue whales in existence.  It has led to an incredibly lonely life, aimlessly wandering the Atlantic in search of someone I can connect with. In all these years, I have found no-one. As a result, my songs have slowly gone…

My worst anemone

Dear Agony Ant, I’ve been in a symbiotic relationship with a clownfish for some time now and for the most part, we’ve provided each other with safety, support and even a laugh or two. More recently, she’s become very lazy. She just sleeps all the time and never hunts or does any cleaning. All while…

Scared and facing impending death

Dear Agony Ant, My partner and I are happily settled and contemplating having some little spiderlings of our own.  Unfortunately the inevitability of this is my own untimely demise; soon after birth, my very own gastric juices begin to eat away at my organs and my young eventually eat me alive. My partner says he’s…